This is a very difficult post for me to write. First, it’s very personal, and I haven’t talked to anyone about this yet. But it’s also challenging to keep my thoughts together, without going in every direction possible.
I’ve been single for so long that I don’t even want to say how many years. There are several reasons in it, but I would say the main one is because I get interest in one (impossible) guy and quickly get obsess about him.
I don’t really want to go in theory mode, but it’s safe to say that I probably choose those incompatible/improbable guys as a way to protect myself, because it’s too scary to think of being in a true relationship.
And because I’m a single mom, that I don’t have a lot of friends, don’t go out, hate internet dating, work in a women’s world, was living in a town where average people were retired, have a pretty busy life and overall like being alone, well, it’s easy to say that being single is a choice and that I’m happy with it.
But if I was so happy with myself… I wouldn’t almost instantly judge every guy/man I meet as boyfriend potential or not.
And that…is really hard to admit.
What’s more difficult is saying that I find my son’s coaches very attractive… Yes, both of them.
Physically, they are not necessary my type, but let’s be honest. They are gymnast… and it shows… But beside that, there’s something about them that I really like, I feel drawn to their presence.
I know, they are probably in their young twenties, (I’m 34) and I’m pretty sure we have nothing in common either.
And yet… my mind goes back to them way to much. I don’t like it. I know how easy for me it is to find reasons why that could work out. I know this is so ridiculous. And yet… I find myself checking on the club’s Facebook page to see if I can find a picture of them. I talk about them, saying how good they are with Gustave. I Google them.
I’m telling you. For the recovering stalker, it’s such a bad world to live in… It’s way too easy to find out information…
So here I am, sad that my son isn’t ready for the competitive gymnastic team because he will spend way less time doing it… but also sad for me… because I won’t have many chances to see the coaches.
I’m 34 years old. These guys are my son’s coaches. These guys are way out of my league. And it seems like they have girlfriends, on top of that. This is pathetic. I can’t believe I’m heading into this pattern once again. Because I know I am.
I can see it. I can see how I am fascinated by the way they are. How they walk, how they look confident and passionate about gymnastics. And how they teach the kids. OMG. Every single kid seems to adore them, and the complicity they have with them…yes, as a mom, (and childhood educator) that’s a big turn on (can I say that?) for me.
These guys seem genuinely kind. Seriously. Ok, it was a parent-teacher thing, but every time they talked to me, I feel like there is just me that is important. And sadly, that’s not something I get a lot.
But I can’t keep thinking and talking about this. So I decided to see why I might be attracted by them.
Beside the fact that yes, I should start to be open to the idea of eventually meet someone…
So I’ve decided to think and act as a life coach. Which, technically, I am…
I started to ask myself questions, to be curious about the whole thing. Some people would say to be the scientist in my life, and I really like this image.
I might be totally wrong, but my first hunch about this is that it’s all about the gymnast philosophy. I’ve had, for many years, a love-hate relationship with people who are into sports (running in particular) and have a nice healthy lifestyle. It fascinate me and I quite don’t understand how they are so discipline and committed to it. I don’t want the ”I have to” thing, how sometime sport and/or diet dictate their life. And yet, I see how, in general, they love it and are people who live fully and make things happen instead of playing the victim.
I think it’s time to be honest with myself and admit how I am longing to be more disciplined with things I want. Yes, I want to lose weight. I want to eat healthier and cook everyday. I want to train and be able to run. I want to do yoga and pilates. I want to do something to limit my joint pain.
I don’t want to live a life by proxy. I’m tired of being envious of people who run, people who live by their values and principles. That’s what it’s about with the coaches and all the gymnast, that’s why I’m in love with the club and want Gustave to love it too.
Those people seems to live a life filled with tiny decisions based on what they love and what they value. They have discipline, they persevere and keep going no matter what, and it shows it their whole being. The way they stand up, the way they talk. They live a life in integrity. And I know, with myself, I haven’t.
Maybe those people have been placed into my life to remind me of what I want and that I can make a difference.
I don’t know yet how I will make this stick in my life, but I know I want to start again living with intention.
I know our life is a collection of little moments, little decisions. I know every decision I make will add up and become my reality. And I’m tired to pretend that I don’t have a choice, that it’s too hard, that I am not disciplined and can’t do it.
I feel like I need to take my life in charge again…and that’s starting with my body.
It’s about time I take good care of it.
I stopped pulling hair 1 month ago. Don’t know why it worked that time, but so far so good.
Now it’s time to move it. Practice running. Eat well.
And maybe those coaches and all those gymnasts can be my inspiration. Every single one of them is doing amazing things. Maybe I can use that to push myself just a little. Maybe by thinking of them I can make a better decision when I want to stay home instead of going out to walk/run, eat an apple instead of too many cookies.
But one thing for sure, I don’t want to go into this obsess about a guy thing anymore. So I’ll keep being curious about this instead and see what else it can teach me.